I have pneumonia at the moment and I’m acutely aware of how different this experience would have been 10 or so years ago when I first became chronically ill with Lyme and co-infections.
The general medical lens of someone with my current complex chronic diseases (ME/CFS, MCAS, POTS etc.,) developing pneumonia, is obviously not great. Patients with these conditions are at a high risk of developing long-lasting complications related to their pre-existing conditions, such as worsened baseline, higher pain levels, more debilitating fatigue, an increase in dysautonomia or autonomic nervous system dysfunction, higher level or more prolonged disability, and more.
That’s why I haven’t shared in any of my patient groups that I have pneumonia – not because they wouldn’t support me or have helpful information for me, but because there are crucial moments in one’s journey where other people’s energy does not serve the highest and best of the circumstances at hand. It’s not only my frequency that impacts me and contributes to my healing, but other people’s frequency in relation to me as well. And what is likely to happen if I drop “I have pneumonia, any advice?” into a group chat of over 100 patients living with complex chronic conditions?
Some would have helpful, balanced advice.
Some would be triggered with a lot of fear.
Some would have horror stories of personal experiences.
All are valid and true for them. Not all are helpful or true for me right now.
Back when I was first navigating the world of complex chronic illness, I would have been panicked if I got something like pneumonia. All sorts of terrifying and limiting narratives would have been going through my head – many with truth to them, but not the truth I’m sensing now.
So, what is the truth I’m sensing now?
My body, mind and soul are healing.
As we heal on the mental or energetic levels, symptoms can arise in the physical to complete or continue the process physiologically.
Does this mean that every symptom or illness is a sign of healing? No, and flushing that out can be nuanced. This is something I work with my 1:1 clients to learn to discern for themselves and is something I’ll be bringing into teaching in the EmbodiedSoul with Denise Elysa online community when it launches, but that’s not the point of this story.
If a symptom is caused by a greater process of healing, does that mean it never requires medical intervention or support? Some people may disagree with me on this, but I believe there is a time and place for medical intervention and other situations where it isn’t necessary. We are here on earth living in human bodies and that, to me, means that sometimes we need to offer physical support to our physical bodies. In this case, for me, it meant making a doctor’s appointment, accepting a chest x-ray and antibiotics.
Grief is often stored in the lungs.
I have been integrating various layers of healing surrounding biological conflicts and outdated patterns related to fear, grief, suffocation, and threat to my life. When the perceived threat is no longer active, the body shifts into repair mode – often this is where these symptoms show up. By remaining connected to a felt sense of safety throughout these symptoms, they’re generally able to complete their processes rather than trigger a new internal conflict or reinforce an existing layer. Accessing and staying connected to that felt sense of safety throughout situations that could easily trigger concern or fear of safety, is a skill that is learned through practice, titration, and going slowly. (This is something else I teach).
Staying connected to safety doesn’t mean ignoring the symptoms or pretending they aren’t there.
I still recognized the sensations in my body. I heard the crackling in my lungs. I called the doctor. I advocated for what I heard in my body without attachment to outcome, I accepted a chest x-ray, and after results I accepted antibiotics as well (interesting story on this later in this blog).
I didn’t panic or jump to narratives around how sick people with my conditions can get from pneumonia, or any of the potential long-term consequences of it, but I didn’t bypass fear either.
Instead, I noticed…
What are my thoughts around this telling me about my identity?
Am I overreacting (fight/flight), underreacting (collapse/freeze), or taking a balanced and helpful approach?
What is the frequency attached to the thoughts I’m having?
When phrases are repeating in my head, is it fear, identity recalibration or internalized echolalia? As they repeat, how do I feel?
As someone with internalized echolalia, I might hear “I have pneumonia”, over and over again in my mind on repeat. People who are big into affirmations and manifestation (I am too) might tell you that’s a bad thing – but the nuance a lot of people miss is the important role of the energetic frequency attached to that thought. Neutrality allows for a healthy energetic detachment.
I notice when my thoughts or frequency shift into fear, disempowerment or defeat. I recognize how valid this is during this uncomfortable experience. I allow those emotions to process through me. I don’t gaslight myself or try to tell myself that this is not an inconvenience, an uncomfortable experience, a possible set back and sometimes scary. I allow those things to be true without attaching to a story of what that means.
I notice the other truths that rise within me, too. The more stereotypically positive ones. The clear attunement to my body that allowed me to receive medical care so quickly. The reality that I would have moved through this with so much more fear and disempowerment, a completely different energetic frequency, 5 or 10 years ago. The fact that my GP actually trusted what I was telling her, when my previous GP likely never would have.
When I called her office and said I had heard crackling in my lungs, she got me an urgent same-day phone appointment and then had me come in for a physical exam on her lunch break. First off, already I know how privileged and lucky I am to have a GP who could or would do that for me. Then, during the exam she said she didn’t hear the crackling that I had heard that morning, and that sometimes mucous gets stuck higher up and can sound that way. I said “no, I know where I heard it. It was in the lower left lung,”. So, she sent me for an x-ray “just in case”. I got a call from her that evening saying “well, what do you know, I couldn’t hear it on the exam, but signs of pneumonia showed up on the x-ray exactly where you told me you heard the crackling. I want to start you on antibiotics right away,”.
Without clear and consistent presence, connection and attunement to my body, I wouldn’t have noticed the subtle noise. It went away when I changed positions; I could only hear it when laying on my back or left side. As soon as I was laying on my right side or in an upright position, it was gone. I could still feel it, but it was so subtle and easily could have been written off as a symptom flare or fighting a minor cold.
Without the knowing and experience of how to best advocate for myself in medical settings, along with a GP who actually listens to me and believes what I tell her, we would not have been able to catch this infection so early.
I have several diagnoses or medical circumstances that are perceived as rare or unusual in the medical system (though I feel this is a misperception as patient numbers are quite high), many of which I was the one to bring up to my doctor, she would respond with a general opinion that it’s unlikely, but would support me exploring it further, and with each of them I turned out to be correct. To my memory, I haven’t sent her down the wrong road yet. To my gratitude, she recognizes this, and respects my opinions and experiences in a way that my previous GP never did.
Becoming attuned and connected to your own body can truly change your trajectory, as it has mine, and developing your intuition and intuitive discernment can help clear a lot of the noise so that you can stop wasting time on roads that aren’t yours and start spending your energy on what matters for YOU and your individual timeline. (Guess what, I help teach that, too.)
EmbodiedSoul with Denise Elysa is my new online community where you can access tools, ongoing support, guided practices, live online events and more. Join the waitlist to be among the first to be let in as founding members, when the doors open.
